“I’m going to write a review of The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. It will contain my opinion about the book, some things I discovered, and whether or not it’s worth reading.” I said to the librarian.
“Oh, and in your opinion, what is it that you think about this novel?” she asked.

I leaned over and whispered my deepest thoughts in her left ear – the ear of dark sayings. She nodded, understanding my opinion fully and realizing all at once that I had stumbled upon the only true interpretation of the novel’s powerful message.
But I wasn’t finished. “I have also discovered the true meaning of life hidden within its pages.” I proclaimed loudly while checking my iPhone for any new messages for no apparent reason.
“Oh really?” she quivered with excitement. “Please tell me!”

I leaned over and whispered something else in her ear. Her eyes lit up and she laughed “Is it that simple?”
“Yes, but there is more! There is one last thing everyone needs to know about this book!” I enthused, quickly responding to a fellow Rosicrucian via twitter.
“Then out with it! Don’t keep me in suspense!”

I leaned in one last time and whispered the word of ultimate truth into her ear. She gasped at the gravity of the revelation, her knees weakening. The thought that others would have to read through one hundred chapters to find out what I had just whispered to the librarian brought a wry smile to my face.

I checked my iPhone again, because the inclusion of modern cultural references in pseudo-classical literature never seems contrived and only lends credence to the author’s intentions.

Satisfied with my intellectual greatness, I clicked my cane against my heel, turned sharply, and strode briskly out into the night.

Awesome review is awesome!

Thanks. I found the book grueling, the stilted writing style unsettling, and constantly imagined the episode of The Simpsons where Homer joins the Stone Masons.

Final Verdict: Reading The Lost Symbol is like swimming in red herring soup. There's an occasional vegetable floating around in there, but if you want to save yourself the headaches skip to the last dozen chapters after reading the first dozen.

Then again, some people do like fish soup.

Wait... Dan Brown books still sell? I thought that particular spurt of madness had ended when The Da Vinci Code had crawled back into the shadows.

With so many books in the world (really - there are freaking craploads), it amazes me that people bother.

Of course, I say this having now read any of them - I've just let others trouble themselves with it, and then pass on to me just how terrible the writing is. I'd already had my fill of so-called 'revelations' by playing Gabriel Knight 3.

I believe The Da Vinci Code inspired The Secret, spawning a generation of lore-seeking nomads convinced that true secrets of life's destiny are woven into the fabric of literature, media and advertising symbology which surrounds our daily lives.

Anything with a whiff of freemasonry becomes a juicy target for these people.

Combine this with the latest trend of some fringe religious groups who are attempting to justify god through science (guided evolution anyone?) which this book also touches on, and it's too lucrative a market for a well known bestselling author to pass up on.

I can imagine his way of thinking:

"Hm, royalties from The Da Vinci Code are getting a bit thin... Time to write a new book. Lemme see.... Masons, symbology, using science to prove god exists, these seem to be juicy discussion points at the moment. Let's see if I can mash them together... ought to sell a few copies at least... *types for a few days* there done *emails manuscript to publisher*"

And the publisher upon recieving the manuscript:

"Holy crap this is Dan Brown I'm not even going to read it, it will sell millions *forwards to printing department*"

And the rest is history.